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Please Help. I Criticize Myself Too Much and I Need to Stop.
I know you will probably say 'just love yourself' but I'm asking this question simply because I cant. I can't love myself and its making me stressful and depressed. I cry every night how no one would ever love me. How I am ugly, worthless, imperfect. I must be perfect or why am I even alive? It came to a point when I look at a mirror or a photo of myself, I'll note every single flaw of me for hours, and I mean hours, like 4 or 5 hours. every. single flaw.
Do you know how this feels? Always putting yourself down? It feels so miserable. I'm miserable. I just want to stop this. Then I'll say to myself "Look at you, You're beautiful, okay?" But then a voice in my head would talk back like, "Do you even believe your own lie? You are miserable. Loser. Ugly. You're ugly." And that voice just won't stop.
If I just sit there and listen to myself I'd probably end up by suicide. And actually with every try of being perfect I ended up more and more miserable. My speaking has become way too fast. I can't laugh without covering my hands over my mouth. I'll not go outside because people will see just how awful I am. And my 'perfectionism' created my anxiety.
Also, I stopped eating because I thought I would be more pretty. I'm 5'6'' and 92 lbs. My face is still too fat. And if somebody loved me or tried to be my friend I'll do the same thing to them. I always thought they were too 'ugly' for me.
I always pushed people away from me. I made myself unreachable. I told too many lies to my 'bestfriend.' She thinks she knows me but all she knows are lies. I lied about everything. From simpliest things to biggest things. I also daydream too much because I have a dreamworld where I am perfect and everyone loves me. It's just so wrong, isnt it?
I'm just so messed up. Please help.
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