Furious that my therapist didn't warn me about erotic transference
Dearest Doctor, I am in CBT for (severe) PTSD. It has been about 6 months now. The reason I write to you today is that I would like your help in dealing with this anger I have building with regard to the mental health profession. A bit of background may be helpful I am a 37 y/o femme. I was raised by the worst kind of parents and left for neglect by a sadist who in turn did whatever he wanted to me for 4 of the very crucial formative years of my life. Just imagine the worst kinds of horror a child can endure and still be alive, and you've got a good handle on what I experienced. I am striving and winning and getting my power back with the help of the good doctors at the university outpatient clinic Drug therapy, as in Gabapentin, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, plus the CBT therapy for the PTSD. Along with the PTSD, I also have Major Depressive Disorder, Social Phobia, Eating disorder, Dissociative Disorder, Depersonalization Disorder, very high anxiety, and my favorite thing in the world is fantasizing about my death, destruction and early demise (high suicidal ideation, not suicidal though). Well, as hell would have it I have fallen furiously in love with my therapist to the point of shear and utter agony. We are just now starting to work at it as of last week. What angers me to no end, is that I wish someone would have warned me about this erotic transference business, so I could have been a little more prepared for this going from the frying pan into the fire tactic. I mean, this is like the cure being (almost) worse than the disease! I have been doing a LOT of research into transference and it seems to me that I have all of the earmarks of a person who would fall hard for her therapist and consequently have to endure this torture. Am I correct in feeling a bit tricked by all this? I mean the Whole process has kinda been like one hall of mirrors after the other. Thanks, Devorah. PS I'm in it for the duration regardless.
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